Here's a lucid thought for you:

Now I don't consider myself a knockout beauty, or anything even close, but I can admit when I'm better looking than someone; and while purchasing syrup for my organic waffles the other day I came across a magazine rack. I looked on at a particular magazine cover and thought to myself, damn, I am so much better looking than her. I then noticed some of the other magazines and realized this was a full blown phenomenon! Almost a dozen different glamour-type magazines with women on the covers who I am far prettier than!

What is the world coming to?! Whatever happened to classic beauties like Audrey Hepburn and Bridgette Bardot? There's no deep philosophical point behind this, strange for me, I know; I actually confused myself a moment ago when I realized I wasn't really going anywhere with this. But I feel like sharing this with you anyway, so now, for your enjoyment, the top ten magazine cover celebrities I am prettier than.

10.

Jennifer Aniston: She's not hideous, hell, I wouldn't even call her ugly; but this woman has a kind of plainness about her that begs the question: "How the hell did she get Brad Pitt?" My theory is that she's far more beautiful in person; my second theory is that she has a kick-ass personality. I have nothing against the woman, but I still think I'm a little prettier than her.

9.

Yes, J-Lo. She's not that hot. Get over it.

8.

She's mostly just weird looking.

7.

I knew a girl named Rhianna once, before this Rhianna was big. She was a very strange little nine year old girl with a boob fetish. The Rhianna I knew, not the famous one. What is this chick famous for anyway?

6.

She needs to follow in her sister's nose-steps.

5.

Yes. I went there. I have a better body too. Post-pregnancy and everything.

4.

Try to hold back your vomit.

3.

No doubt.

2.

Oooh, burn!

*drum roll*

...

...

...

1.

If there's ever been a more arrogant son-of-a-beach, I haven't heard of him. This guy, this unsavory piece of rotten man-flesh churns my stomach with ultra-violet distaste. My god, I could go on a thousand paragraph rant on how I loathe Donnie Darko, and nearly threw up trying to get through all 113 minutes of his balloon shaped head, floating around on the screen. But I'll spare you that, and instead, give you this.

REAL number 1.

Shia LaBeouf is truly the most goofy looking dude on film. It's fine when they cast him in movies where his character is a goofy/awkward teenage boy with a ridiculous and laughable 'bad boy' attitude: and that is exactly what they cast him in most of the time; however it's when they put him in movies like Indiana Jones or I, Robot... Any action movie, actually, is ruined by his goofiness. I just cannot take a movie seriously when he is in it. It's like: "Oh no! The golden egg of Africa must be claimed by midnight or all hope for humanity will be lost!" And just when the drama and suspense is beginning to work its hold on me... Here comes Mr. Praise god for the beef* trotting onto the scene like: "Hey guys. What's going on?" Imagine Jack's death scene in The Titanic, but with a clown juggling in the background; now you have an idea of what Shia LeBeouf does to good movies.

Oh, and yes, I am prettier than him.

*Apparently Shia LeBeouf's name translates to "Praise God for the beef."

By the way, I actually really liked Donnie Darko, and have nothing against Jake Gyllenhaal.