The past few days have been interesting. I intentionally made myself unwell, nestling down in a beautiful apathy. Thursday I spent all day in the sun, yet as the afternoon grew late my tolerance turned into a strange depression. When everything in your world is beautiful, and all is going your way, you shouldn't feel like this. I decided something was wrong with my brain. It was an enjoyable unravelling, and the next day felt even better. Refusing to care about anything is where I obtained the first clue in my quest to fix my mind. When I'm not struggling to enjoy things, they seem so much more enjoyable.
However, by the end of that day, where I was innocently attempting to enjoy my all consuming apathy for a second night, I walked right into quicksand. Forced to endure 12 or more very slow hours of wondering whether my worst fear in the world had come to pass. Countless times I tried to relieve my mind. "Everything's perfectly okay." My mind bought it, but my subconscious refused. 8:30 PM to 8:30 AM, sleep would not have me. The grain of good that came from this was the discovery of an unhelpful core belief. The belief that I could not be at peace 24/7. I dismantled that notion and now I'm in the midst of implanting a new one.
And a good friend helped me in a time of need. Thanks Jayme. :)
All is good.
Now to recover lost sleep.
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